May 28, 2019

Starets and Starlets (Part Two)

Starlets are cool to hang around with too. They’re young, pretty, naive, trusting...especially if you tell them you’re some kind of Hollywood producer or a director of some kind or you’ve got a ‘friend’ who has some major influence in the studio that you’d just be happy to tell him about...er, what’s your name babe?. At least that’s the way most of them used to be according to stories of old. They’re just full of bubbly personality and nice curves and will do just about ANYTHING to get into show business. The career of a starets is usually significantly longer than that of a starlet—starlets have a limited shelf life. You either make it in a limited amount of time or you don’t. You go from the casting couch to Studio A...hopefully. There’s no such thing as an old starlet. Some get used and discarded like an old copy of The Hollywood Reporter. You’re known as yesterday’s trash. Eventually you go on to a slightly less famous position in life like receptionist, grocery cashier, sales clerk, barista, pole dancer or some other kind of stimulating work and yeah I’m being sarcastic there.


A starets has great potential as a long-term career opportunity. Once you’re a starets, that can last you the rest of your life if you play your cards right. The only way out of that is quit, die, or retire. All you gotta do is just perform a slew of old rituals and speak in shrouds and murmurings of vagueness and religious mish-mash and utter things like “It’s God’s will” or “God works in strange ways” and nod your head solemnly. Oh yeah, you gotta have a great beard. You know one of those long ones that’s perfectly manicured. Rasputin has a long beard but it was far from manicured and clean. It usually had food and who knows what else in it. True starets are more reserved in their behavior than our friend Grigori. They are said to be spiritual individuals and it is said their holy wisdom comes directly from God and is obtained from living an ascetic experience—it can be through intense study of religious texts, hours of devout prayer, long periods of meditation, and even sometimes visions. Visions of God maybe, visions and experiences of religious rapture...sometimes they aren’t sure what they see, but goddamn it, they’re visions. Starets are not appointed by any committee, but are recognized through their actions by people whose qualifications are uh, well, there aren’t no qualifications. It is believed that through this difficult ascetic struggle, which includes hours of prayer each day and often includes long periods of  seclusion and total withdrawal, the Holy Spirit as it is known bestows special gifts onto the elder. Well, that’s what they say anyway. These gifts often include the ability to heal the sick when doctors stand by helplessly—like putting their hands over the body and drawing out the sickness. The starets will often have the ability to perform acts of prophecy and say what you want about


Rasputin, he did have moments of prophecy that can’t be denied. Of course most importantly, a starets should be able to give spiritual guidance and direction to those who seek it, and who’s to say that can’t be true in rare cases. Many times, people will travel great distances in hopes to have a private audience with a starets. These individuals who wear the title of starets should be an inspiration to believers and an example of saintly virtue, a steadfast faith, and an example of holy spiritual peace—although it sounds like Rasputin’s version would be a hell of a lot more fun. There's drinking, parties, women...sign me up for that starets life! Later of course he got shot, beaten, drowned, and throw into a freezing cold river. Tsk, Tsk...he did so much good and yet had so many enemies. He got invited to a party and theme of it was to get rid of him. Nobody knows for sure where his corpse was buried...it was kind of a secret. I think there’s a monument supposedly marking where he is, but who knows for sure? I think it adds to the most interesting mystery of Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin who certainly became more famous that any real starets.