December 30, 2018

New Year's Eve (Amateur Night)


If I think of the top 10 times I've ever gotten REALLY REALLY drunk, and that would be a long ass list to pare down...and it would have to be a list of the ones I can remember because some of them are just a rumor I’ve been told about...none of those would include New Year’s Eve...NYE is amateur night according to professional drinkers and I am a card carrying union member of Local 110 proof...all these fools out drinking to a new year like it's somehow gonna magically change things...no, you’re gonna be the same sorry wretch you were last year...sorry, not sorry...scotch, whiskey, vodka, all of the above...sherry, wine, beer, gin—then you’re gonna try to drive in the shape you’re in???...if you’re gonna do stuff like that, go to a hotel party and get a room beforehand, so you’re not getting anywhere near a car...or somebody else’s...hopefully, you or somebody you’re with can still navigate the elevator and get you to the right room before you pass out entirely...oh and New Years Day sure isn't fun...morning buffet breakfast?...they’re kidding right?...you don’t even wanna watch any football at least until late afternoon when your head is pounding the pavement after pounding the pavement last night...literally...you stand up and you get get to the couch at least...the pros know how to do it...we've got the experience...we're not the ones passing out in the bathroom...getting the DUI’s...mixing our drinks, throwing up on our shoes...getting left outside the house and having the doorbell rang so somebody at home answers the door and drags us inside...we know all the tricks...and when we drink, we do some serious drinking the way it's supposed to be done...on NYE though, maybe get some Chinese food delivered...fix some pizza rolls, cheesecake for later...nothing too heavy on the stomach ya know...I stay home and drink alone—but I ain't drinking to the beloved new year, because the old year shat on me and the new one’s gonna do the same...I don't need a reason, and a new year is no reason to be drinking...at least literally...theoretically, it’s as good a reason as any I guess...you can always find a reason to drink...there’s nothing wrong with drinking either...I just couldn’t see going through 24 hours a day 7 days a week without having some drink to make you think...get an alternate perspective, see things from the other side, look at the world from the bottom of a glass...or bottle...don’t crack up—and I can’t see being drunk all the time either...how in the hell can you get any kind of real perspective if you’re drunk constantly?...just like the rainy days make you appreciate the sunny ones, the times when you’re stuck in the cold harsh world of reality make you really appreciate the times when you have some drinks and aren’t...or from my perspective it’s the beauty of rainy days and putting up with the sunny ones...rain, snow, windy, gray, foggy...I love them all...I mean I don’t mind an occasional sunny day...at least I know the sun’s gonna go down eventually...and the night is my world...a world of painting, writing, playing music, of alone time...my drink of choice is anything, but I’m partial to snowshoes...one shot of whiskey and one shot of schnapps...peppermint or cinnamon are my preferred favorites...just in case you’re thinking of buying me something for the holidays next year.