I was dreading having to go outside that day...the brightness was something I couldn’t turn down with a remote control, the whole picture in my head was turning cartwheels...flipping and flipping like some kind of cheerleader who drank too much Red Bull...my head had been a bass drum played all too loud that morning...but there was some scraggly grass to mow, a lot of long weeds to trim, branches to cut back...didn’t want the holy homeowners committee to send me a little nastygram informing me they were going to slap a lien on my house if I didn’t fall into line with their standards of what was acceptable...so there I was walking around out in the backyard in the oppressive heat to do some of this beloved yard work one hot, steamy Saturday afternoon...I felt like I was in the middle of Death Valley...when I saw this massive spider web...I mean massive...now I’ve seen a lot of spider webs in my time, but the construction and size of this one was impressive...Frank Lloyd Wright couldn’t have designed something better...I peeked inside and saw the first floor had living and dining areas that formed virtually one uninterrupted living space, the kind of place that he chilled and listened to some cool jazz in his downtime and entertained...it was a two-story web with a series of cantilevered balconies and terraces...a sloping high-pitched roof, the kind you see in Germany or Switzerland...broad overhanging eaves, strong horizontal lines, prominent large windows, a gigantic central chimney, built-in customized cabinetry, and a wide use of natural materials—especially stone and wood...the second floor was where the bedrooms were, the master was spacious with a walk-in closet the size of my house, and several guest rooms that were lavishly appointed...the entire web was spotless and I don’t know what he pays his help, but she or they deserved a raise…there was also a three car attached garage and an Olympic size pool around the back...I couldn’t get a good look at it because of the massive privacy fence around it...I looked around but I couldn’t find the architect of this creation who no doubt also lived in this mansion...maybe he was out on a book tour signing some architecture books in a bookstore somewhere for $25 a piece...or he was hitting the talk show circuit...or flying his private jet around the country...he might of just been out playing some golf with his friends at Pebble...I don’t know...but it must have taken this spider a long time and a lot of hard work to make this gigantic thing; I wondered what his property taxes were on the place...I noticed there was a sign in his front yard indicating that he had won yard of the month from the beloved homeowners association for the perfectly manicured grounds...everything was perfectly perfect...doing it all in his head...no blueprints to work off of...it probably belonged in a museum...this spider was the Michelangelo of spiders...a painting of it really belonged in the Louvre, or at least in the Musee D’Orsay...people could come from all over the world to admire it and take selfies in front of it...I appreciated how hard it must have been to do...and the time involved...I felt kinda bad about it but hell, it was in my way, so I knocked it down with a stick and went about my business...I’m guessing the spider wasn’t happy with me about this when he got back from Ibiza or wherever he was, but I wonder if spiders are ever happy.
